My marriage is at a crossroads because we have both put our heads in the sand, swept things under the carpet and totally ignored the white elephant in the room for way too long.
So let me back this up a bit….
On my RAW food chef/detox coach training last year in Bali we studied the book “Conscious Loving” by Gay + Kathlyn Hendricks which pushed ALL of my buttons about my marriage. During the lecture it actually felt like my heart was breaking in two and then the pain started in my left arm, neck, jaw + chest and I was struggling to breath.
Wow I thought ‘this book is getting to the heart of the matter’ and it was but….it was also the first of four heart attacks that I would have over the next few months.
My brain said ‘no way your only 51‘ but my inner voice calmly said ‘you are having a heart attack‘….and then it felt like my heart wanted to explode.
This book and my heart attacks was a pretty big wake up call. With such themes as letting go of power struggles + control, balancing the need to be close but separate, intimacy, healing old hurts, communication and love it was pretty full on.
During my recovery I read the book and put many practices into place but nothing stuck and pretty soon my head was back in the sand. So much easier to throw myself into work than have to face all that pain until a friend made a comment that burned into my brain.
In our chat over coffee she mentioned she thought I had no passion in life and man it stuck to me I couldn’t get those words out of my head because it was true. How can you be passionate when you feel dead inside.
A few months later at a creative writing workshop on one of my retreats I wrote this little gem “I no longer want to be in my marriage if it remains the same”……..
The time had come for me to focus on the marriage and get honest about my role in the marriage issues (I am 100% responsible for me as he is 100% responsible for himself).
Sometimes its easier to bitch, blame + whinge which in my mind absolved me from all responsibility and hence I didn’t need to change – he did! Shit Shit Shit.
But now I was being asked to be 100% responsible for me, myself + I and it actually felt mind blowingly powerful (who knew?)
The Henricks are big on telling the microscopic truth at all times but I wasn’t ready for that. But that changed last weekend because I physically felt the pain from choosing to put my head in the sand (right next to his) cos it’s all too hard. Noooooo
I chose to do this and it has resulted in blockages in my body, mind + heart, it’s killed off my creativity, passion, joy, inspiration and love for everything and him. I had to make a new choice with what type of relationship I wanted to be in with myself + my husband.
I stood in the kitchen and in that moment there was only choice I could make and that was to honour myself and speak up and started with a sentence that has been stuck inside me for years.
My words tumbled out as did his and it was sad, honest and bloody painful but it also felt like we were ‘coming out’ to each other. You could feel a shift in the air and I knew that yes it did hurt but for the first time in years we were moving in the right direction…together.
I am slowly progressing through the book taking time to implement new ways but now he wants to read it after me! This is groundbreaking stuff and says we are on the same page.
So 1 year and 4 heart attacks later I am finally doing what I need to do…and that is take care of my heart + my love. My heart told me but I wasn’t ready to listen and only this week I can now see the wisdom of my bodies messages.
My marriage still has a long way to go and yes there will be new hurdles to jump and ruts to fall into but I am no longer willing to swallow my words to keep the peace which is such an old story from my childhood that is well and truly past it’s use by date.
Many people have commented this week how I look different + what’s changed…well dammit it’s me, it’s him, it’s us and it’s bloody good!
So my dear woman if you are like me and blaming relationship woes on him rather than owning your part in it – do yourself a favour and get this book.
Don’t wait to have a heart attack or be ready to walk out and even if you do it just for you – it will be worth it.
Need to chat – drop me a line